I'm drowning in sorrow...

I realised that my vocab-list isn't up to par with other individuals that are my age. That is 18. Ok. 21. Fine. 23.

So I decided that each time I blog, I shall put up a new random word and use this word in my post... somewhere.


bulb·let [buhlb-lit] - noun Botany.
a small bulb or bulblike structure, esp. one growing in the axils of leaves, as in the tiger lily, or replacing flowers, as in the onion.

The lack of updates lately is due to my increased workload at work. I've been slingshotted with powerpoints, brochures, newsletters, pamphlets and the majority of these are needing to be created from bottom up. I can't say I don't love what I do, because I do. I love using programs like photoshop, indesign etc to create promotional material but I don't do well under pressure.

I'm a crumbler.

I'm in no mood today. Don't want to be here, at work. I want to be in bed and have a good cry. I want to drench my pillow in tears, then sleep on the pillow and wake up with rashes down my neck. I know I need to stop being so fucking apathic about life and get on with it. It's so hard though...

Even realising I've gotten fat, hasn't made me this depressed about life. Sure I got fat, but with enough determination towards exercise and healthy food, I can overcome it. To be seriously depressed can only mean one thing, a glitch in the paradise known as love. You know what I think....

Paradise isn't love, it's actually in the early stages of dating.

1. You meet someone worthwhile.
2. Butterflies in the stomach.
3. You flirt.
4. He flirts back.
5. Phone messages during the day about meaningless things. "I saw a hole in the wall today..." will prompt a reply "Wow... your house is random".
6. Then you get the butterfly attack again.
7. You wake up thinking about him.
8. You go to sleep thinking about him.
9. Does he like me? Does he not like me? "When's he going to ask me out?"
10. You have sexy and naughty dreams about him. You can picture him doing these naughty things to you in his bed...in your bed... in the kitchen... in the car...
11. You see each other and get the butterfly attack once again...

These early stages of dating are the best and can only be described as a sort of paradise where you are momentarily dazed and everything seems so perfect!

But then comes love. You fall in love and heartache thrives in this environment. With love comes the risk of heartache. Cheating, flirting, breaking up, fighting, swearing, beating... you can't help but be put at risk to these. Once you love someone everything bad they do to you magnifies 1000 times, so much that some people contemplate suicide for something as small as "he left me for another woman...".

If you were only dating and having fun... these girls would say "Fuck him, he cheated on me so I'm gonna go find another fish in the sea."

This is my exact problem, I am a girl in love. Hence, my middle name is Idiot. Mr V and I haven't had a fight in years, I shit you not, and yesterday it seems Facebook has hit home again, Miss M's friend thinks Mr V is sleazy, a comment posted online in a photo of the above two people in a club. My brain is in turmoil! It's in melt down mode and I want to know how to shut it down. The photo itself isn't the problem, I have developed trust in the person that I care about and therefore, a larger portion of my mind is telling me to stop worrying because he's faithful to you. A slightly smaller, less superior part of my mind is slamming his fist against my brain wall, shrieking "People say he's a sleaze...why WHY WHY?!!"

I mentally want to throw my head against the wall.

Perhaps I'm over-exaggerating the situation? I should be overjoyed that there has actually been no 'hidden kinky' business going on behind my back and that he comes home to me.

But something is definately pulling at my heart strings...