That one person...

When you were 16:
You fell in love (or what you thought was love), you pictured playing wifey for your boyfriend and you designed your wedding dress. You are totally smitten with each other and hours apart seems like a lifetime. Time goes on and you either get your heart broken or you broke a heart. You cried endlessly for a week and felt that your will never be good again.

That's cute. 

But when you are 26 and going through the same cycle, that's just fucking sad. Like real-in-your-face-fucking-sad. There are few people in this country (I'm not going to say earth because let's face it... I don't earn enough to permit world travel so local it is) that come into your life with such strong magnetic attraction that makes you revert to a babbling-16-year-old-idiot. It's a great feeling to have and every second feels as good as breathing. Or better put, as NECESSARY as breathing. He needed your help and you needed his, much like the halves of Ying and Yang.

Just like every drug out there, a high cannot stay high. The higher you fly, the faster and further you fall. Three weeks since the end and I do admit that I'm struggling hard. Alright, so it's about me.

Growing in some Asian families, we aren't particularly communicative or affectionate. There is lots of love there but there isn't physical hugging or kissing of any sort. Not really sure why this is so but most of the people who grew up with me are the same. So our major issue was my communication of feelings. Funnily, I find it much easier to write about how infatuated I am with him than physically showing it, I get easily embarrassed and I fucking sweat down my neck.

Anyway, lasted only 2 days with no contact. Roughly 2 weeks of no visual contact and now I'm sitting here punishing myself for being unable to let go and forever trying to rope him in for more contact using excuses like "let's play Warcraft" or "my dog misses you, I'll bring him over". For god's sake woman, pull it together!!! I actually want to slap myself across the face in hopes that my head falls off and I grow a new one wiped from all memory.

Is there a pill for this?

Only joking. What was the point of this post? Just a reminder of how long it has been and the true reason why it is taking so long to get to the "Mourning Phase". I'm not even there yet. Bloody hell. I've just been grasping for straws... grasping for anything and holding on for dear life. It's my fault... I fucking admit it. Up and down, up and down... happy and not happy... too much for me to handle. Shit should easy right now because I'm supposedly wiser and more experienced. Where did I leave my last 10 years? Under the couch somewhere or did I drop it?

I think I need a drink. Or a shot. Or 5 shots really...